just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
