Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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