he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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