Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
