Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You can't just leave with hair like that
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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