I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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