Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
