Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
