Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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