Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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