On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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