Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
