Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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