I looked at my own cervix.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
