apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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