my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
