I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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