I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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