I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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