His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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