When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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