Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
