That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
