My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
