If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
