did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
