ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
