I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Your dad touched me again.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
