i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
