I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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