Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
