thus making me awesome and them whores
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
