i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
