Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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