totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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