Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
