would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
