The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
