we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
