hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
