here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
