my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
