The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
