I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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