if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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