one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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