recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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