Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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