Sponge bath it is.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
