I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
