once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
